Stranger Danger
by Zevus
Summary: The Leverage crew finds a time machine, but where does it go? When they get trapped in another world; a world of spaceships, cowboys, and respected whores, they get more than they bargained for. And the only question is: How will they get home?
1. Into The Future

**Author's Unimportant Note: I've never really written a Firefly fanfic before, so that part might be shitty. Just a warning. Oh yeah, there's some sexual references throughout this fic so if you're under the age of 55, you might not want to read this.**

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* * *

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"What is it?"

"I don't know."

Parker peered at the mysterious object as Nate slowly pulled it out from a couple of loose boards in the floor. Sophie had tripped on air and the thickness of her skull had caused one of the floorboards to spontaneously combust. Eliot noticed a smooth, round object poking from in the hole, and had grunted.

The object was was pretty big, a little taller than Nate's waist. It was dark, creepy black with a smooth rim with no inner parts, kind of like a mirror without the glass. At the bottom the rim curved to form legs for the circle, short but thick. Right above the legs, in the center, there was a small gray button.

"Holy shit. I dare someone to press the button." Hardison giggled, putting his hand to his mouth. He nudged a disgruntled Eliot out of the way to get a closer look.

"No. The button could hold some electrical force that could possibly probably kill you with its scientificness." Sophie tried to sound smart, and Hardison looked up at the tea drinker with wide eyes. "You're right." He stood up, brushed off his jeans, and went over to hide behind Sophie.

"Damnit Hardison!" Eliot yelled, raising his hands. "If you keep encouraging her she's going to keep spewing this bullshit!"

"Sowry." Hardison didn't move.

Meanwhile, Parker was busy rapidly pressing the button. "It's not doing anything. It's broken."

Nate snatched her hand away. "You might get electrocuted, like Sophie said." Eliot slammed his head on a table for a massive headdesk, but nobody cared or said anything.

Finally, after many moments of awkward silence, Justin Bieber was born.

Nate crawled over to the object, squinting at the large, empty hole. Eliot suddenly thought of a funny joke. "It's almost as tight as Sophie." He chuckled.

As Sophie and Nate glared at him, Parker looked around, eyes wide. "I don't get it." Hardison slowly leaned to whisper what it meant in her ear, but this was probably just an excuse to touch her.

Parker's eyes got even wider. "Wait, how does Eliot know how tight Sophie's vagina is?" She whipped her head around. "Did you all get a peek and not tell me?"

"Yep." Eliot grunted, not bothering to stop the joke. "About the size of Kansas." He attempted a shitty drawing of Kansas with his index fingers before continuing. "But I'm the only one who got to stick something in. Couldn't feel a thing, like a crappy condom. Almost like I was humping air."

"ELIOT!" Sophie shouted. "Stop spreading that hogwash! Bloody hell!" She started to hyperventilate. "Nate, fetch my tea." She said as she collapsed on the couch. Nate quickly ran to make her some disgusting tea, and soon returned, spilling most of it. Sophie threw the hot liquid at his exposed face when she tasted it. "I WANTED PEPPERMINT, NATE. YOU KNOW THAT! BLOODY HELL!"

"You wanted a condom too, but I told you there wouldn't be a point because I wouldn't be orgasming." Eliot grunted.

Nate turned to face him, his face red from the burning tea that was starting to fizzle and steam on his face. "Eliot, shut up. You didn't fuck Sophie, you've never seen ANYTHING of importance on her, so shut up."

Sophie raised up to her elbows. "Wait, so my vagina and boobs are the only thing important, Nate?"

Nate stopped dead and started to bang his palm on his head. "Shit. Shit. Shit." He paced back and forth before stopping at Sophie. "Not what I meant. It's your PERSONALITY that attracts men, not your boobs."

"LOL. That's a good one Nate." Hardison giggled. Nate turned his steamy face to Hardison, the redness causing the computer geek to flinch.

Suddenly, a flash of light stunned the Leverage team. Parker was holding the circular object, which was apparently now turned on. There was a blueish purple transparent field waving in the middle. Parker's eyes were wide. "Guys, I know what this is! It's a time machine!"

"What? That's ridiculous. I've been trying to to find the secret of time travel for years." Hardison rolled his eyes.

"No, look!" Parker pointed to the button. "There's a design on the button. It's a Flux Capacitor!" She waved the time machine around rapidly, too quick for anyone to see it properly.

"How'd you turn it on?" Sophie had gotten over her anger and was nervously peering at the machine from behind the couch.

"With the plug." Parker held up a cord that she had plugged into the wall socket.

"HOW DID WE NOT NOTICE THAT?" Nate headdesked.

"So, anyway." Parker continued, ignoring Nate and hugging the machine against her chest. "I think someone should go in it. Its just barely big enough to fit a person." At this, she gently placed it face up on the floor.

"No. Fucking. Way." Sophie raised a crooked finger at the machine, her eyes gleaming. "I think it's evil."

"GOD SOPHIE. Don't be such a fucking baby." Eliot shouted, grabbing the British woman by her shirt collar and shoving her into the circle. The circle seemed to pull her inside of it, and in a second she was gone.

Eliot staggered back. "Har har har. It 'pulled' her inside of it."

"This isn't funny, Eliot." Nate snapped. He cautiously leaned down to inspect the object. It had returned to normal. "I wonder where she went."

"INTO THE FUTURE." Parker whipped around, raising her finger to point at the ceiling. "WE MUST FOLLOW."

"Bullshit. I ain't getting into that thing, mayne." Hardison scrambled out of his hiding place behind Eliot.

"Damnit Hardison! Don't be such a fucking baby!" Eliot screamed, grabbing Hardison by the shoulders and pushing him in the circle. You could hear Hardison's girly scream echo all the way down.

Nate's eyes were saucers. "Er, um, I hope I don't like offended you Eliot," He shuffled his feet and picked at a fingernail. "But I don't really, like think it would possibly be a good idea to go in there."

Eliot gave a small grunt, and after a few more seconds of silence finally reacted again. "DAMNIT NATE! Don't be such a fucking baby!" Eliot hurtled towards him, but Nate screamed and ran away from him. After about a three minute chase, Eliot finally caught the alcoholic and slammed him into the time machine. Unfortunately, the motion caused Eliot to trip and fall in after him.

And then there was Parker. She stood for a moment before finally taking in one last breath of air and running towards the circle. Then, with one final step, she leaped into the air, landing a smooth entrance right into the opening.

"AND TO THE FUTURE WE GO!"


	2. Just The Beginning

The first thing Sophie saw when she blinked open her eyes was a girl peering at her as if she was an over priced candy bar in Wal Mart. The girl had her head titled and didn't blink. Ever.

It took Sophie a minute to realize that the rest of the team were splattered around her, stirring slightly. The girl whipped her head when Eliot grunted "Get your fucking dick off my abdomen, Nate," but that was the only time she moved.

"Erm, hello." Sophie gave the girl a small wave.

To her surprise, the girl responded. "You're British. Mal won't be pleased." She stopped, squinting thoughtfully. "But Simon will. Possible mate for Simon. Lord knows he's incapable of achieving one by himself." She brought her gaze back to Sophie. "Have you already mated?" Her eyes gleamed.

Sophie could hear Eliot call from the back, "Don't do it! She's as wide as Kansas!"

Nate took this time to explore his surroundings. It seemed as if they were in some closet, except for the lack of door. Light streamed through cracks in the wall; enough to see everybody. As Nate made sure everybody was there, Parker squealed. "Hardison's not here! Hardison's not here!"

And he wasn't.

* * *

Hardison rubbed his head groggily as his eyes unblurred and he regained sight. He saw a mixture of crimson red and a soft yellow at first, but as his sight sharpened, he saw a figure sitting on a bed. Naked.

"EWWWWWW." He screeched until he realized the figure was a woman. Trying to be quiet after his screech, he crawled towards a closet, only making a few glass objects fall before he got there.

Inara turned to see a random black dude crawling on her floor. "What the fuck?"

Hardison quickly shoved his way into the closet, hoping that "wtf" wasn't about him.

It was.

Hardison meowed, hoping the woman would think he was a cat. Inara squinted. "You know, I've never understood black people, but that's just weird."

* * *

"Where the fuck are we?" Eliot was rubbing his head to get all the dust out of his soft, nonchalant hair.

"OMG, THERE'S HARDISON!" Parker pointed to a black guy typing on some electric keypad.

"Parker, that's not Hardison." Sophie soothed, patting the thief gently on the shoulder.

"Yes it is."

The four had quickly exited whatever room they were in, scrambling out like drunks. Outside was hot and dusty, as if they were in a western movie. The only problem? There was a shitload of technology everywhere.

Nate shuffled over to a young woman holding some ray gun. "Scuse me." Nate put on his sexy smile. "Would you mind telling me what modile of gun that is, the one your fingers are curled around as if it was Jesus?"

The woman scowled. "It's a Triple Double Ray 1,000,000. Are you stupid. Where's yours?" The woman tightened her grip on the handle, moving her index finger next to the trigger.

"wat."

"You ARE part of the Alliance, aren't you?"

"wat."

The creepy girl who talked to Sophie popped up. "They're not. But I am." She fiddled with her fingers, head twitching.

"Hm. You look kind of like that basket case that we're supposed to catch, but I'm going to contemplate the odds long enough for you to get away."

"Sounds fair." the girl nodded. She swiftly moved across the road, signaling for the team to follow.

They didn't.

* * *

"Mal, I really don't think it was a good idea to park right next to the biggest Alliance headquarters in this section of space."

Mal's cape/coat swept majestically across the floor. He had his heroic, I'm-cool look on his face, the one where his eyes droop lower than they should.

"Washy boy, you wouldn't know. I had special, explicit training as a lad; I know this stuff. Maybe you should concentrate on what you know, and I'll handle the big boy stuff, kay?"

Wash squinted, and was about to say something when Inara bombed out of her shuttle, screaming.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH." She went ape shit, and for reason she only had a flimsy towel on. A black guy was running after her.

"I'm sowwy! I didn't mean to!" He yelled, jumping past Malcolm. Mal grabbed him by the belt, but to his surprise his pants ripped and the black dude continued to run and scream.

* * *

"Okay." Nate was crouched in a corner, the team scrunched up behind him. "When I count to three, we run into that studio and steal everything."

"That's not a studio. It's a spaceship." Parker said bluntly.

"This is the _worst_ con ever." Sophie groaned.

Eliot piped up from the rear. "I think I saw that stupid chick go in there." He creeped up to where Nate was. "I'll go first, so if we see a bunch of women, I can distract them by singing songs."

Nate growled, and Eliot retreated. "Sophie will go first; they'll kill her first and we'll have a two second lead."

Eliot nodded in agreement, and they shoved a struggling Sophie out in the open. At that precise moment, an almost nude woman came screaming out of the spaceship/studio. "SAVE ME! IF I WASN'T SO SOPHISTICATED I'D BE NUDE!"

Sophie beamed. "I'm Sophie-sticated."

Eliot growled. "That's really not that funny, Kansas."

Hardison stumbled after her, his spider man boxers exposed to the public.

Suddenly, a scary ship hovered down, steam rolling out from its bottom.

"Oh, no!" Mal had sprinted outside to follow Inara. "RUN! It's the Reavers!"

Eliot was in the middle of the street. He cupped his ear with his hand. "What? The Grim Reaper?"

"No, fool!" Zoe stormed at Eliot. "The Reavers!" She threw him into _Serenity_, cursing at the Leverage crew to follow.

* * *

"What year did you say we were in?"

"27462546263."

Nate, Sophie, Eliot, Hardison, and Parker were all on their knees in the cargo bay of _Serenity_, their hands tied behind their backs.

Mal was pacing back and forth in front of them, his heroic cape tickling their noses. He stopped at Eliot. "Why, what do we have here? Someone who doesn't understand what Reavers are. Someone who needs to be told the year. You scream government, boy." Mal said boy as if he was ten years older than Eliot.

Eliot growled. "If you don't mind, will you please get your fucking dick-" he paused. "Out of my face."

Mal looked taken back. "What?

"You heard me." Eliot snorted. "Get your FUCKING DICK out of my face. And as you're so kindly doing that, can you please get your balls away, too?"

Simon giggled. Everybody on Serenity was standing to watch the display. Inara put on her whore clothes, and avoided eye contact with Hardison. Only one person wasn't there; River.

"Where's River?" Kaylee whipped her head around. "Oh god, she's DEAD."

Simon screamed, and crumpled to the floor. His wails were drowned out by Jayne's shouts of joy.

"Aw, damn." Jayne grunted. "There she is." He pointed to a bunch of boxes, where River was peering at the crowd.

Eliot rolled his eyes, but Parker squealed. "IT'S BASKET CASE!"

Simon seemed offended. "I'd hit you for calling River crazy but that's wrong and I have a slight, embarrassing crush on you."

Kaylee's face fell, along with River's. "No." she said firmly, gripping a piece of scrap paper in her fist. "Sophie is the one you want." She looked into the distance. "Sophie's genetics has the best possible outcome for my niece or nephew."

"Um, River." Inara stared at her. "You don't say stuff like that."

Nate was squirming towards one of the rooms this whole time, and screamed like a girl when he got there. Unfortunately everybody heard this, and Jayne quickly grabbed him, pressing his boot against Nate's soft face.

Parker squirmed out of the ties around her wrists and jumped up, running towards the exit. "FREEDOM!" She screamed as she put her hands in the air.

Jayne shifted slightly, and Parker toppled over.

"Who the hell are you people?"


	3. Questions Of The Random

**Author's Unimportant Note: There's no buttsex in this chapter. I'm sorry. I know you were hoping for some.**

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**"It's okay." Sophie soothed, gently massaging Nate's unconscious skull with her tongue.

"Um, British chick, why the hell are you licking that guy's hair?" Jayne popped a piece of popcorn in his already filled mouth. He had his chair leaned against the wall, eyeing them with obvious amusement.

The whole Leverage team was tied up and in a dogpile except for Parker. Mal, after great observation, picked her to explain everything to the _Serenity_ crew. Nate kept insisting that his choice probably wasn't the best one. Mal ignored him. In one of his random lack-of-alcohol induced seizures, Nate had banged his unusually large head against the floor, knocking him unconscious. Sophie continued to lick lovingly.

Hardison shifted uncomfortably, and Eliot's eyes widened. "No. No. You do not have a fucking boner, Hardison. Not when your pelvis is pressed against my FUCKING shoulders."

"I'm sowwy mayne, but I can't help it."

After that, the only sound heard was the gentle caress of Sophie's tongue on soft, wavy hair. But, as the minutes passed, Jayne's deep snore accompanied the caress in what was almost a symphonic sound. Eliot started to growl, creating a soothing hum.

"Bump be bump be bump." Hardison beat boxed, adding to the music.

They continued the sounds, and the rumble of _Serenity_'s engine created the base noise. It was ecstasy.

* * *

"So I found this time machine, and I was like, holy shit! Pardon my language. We all went through it and ended up here."

Mal squinted, shifting in his seat. He had put Jayne on guard, but everybody else was surrounding the small kitchen table as the one called Parker explained their appearance.

Simon shoved his way in the conversation. "There has been no scientist ever to have found a way to time travel."

Parker shook her head. "Not true. There is the Doctor."

The _Serenity _crew leaned in. "Doctor who?"

"Exactly."

"This girl is crazy." Wash exclaimed as Parker smiled. "We can have two crazy chicks now!" He leaned comfortingly on his badass wife's shoulder, grinning.

"Mal." Zoe nudged Wash off and his head hit the cold metal floor with a clunk. "We can't trust them." There was an edge in her tone Parker just HAD to comment on.

"I used to have issues too, random black chick, but medicine helped me. It can help you too." If this was anybody else, Parker would have been punched immediently. But, to Zoe's surprise, she seemed totally serious.

"Erm." Mal shifted again, but this time due to lack of comfort, not to look cool. Inara had been standing quietly near the edge of the group, but now spoke up.

"I think we should allow them to stay on the ship. If what they're saying is true, they need a way back home." She paused. "Back to their time." Placing her hand menicingly on her hip, she stared down at Mal, waiting for the inevitable.

"Well," Mal turned slowly, a smirk on his face. "If I remember correctly, and I usually do, whores on this boat don't get a vote." Inara scowled. Parker continued to play quietly with a string.

Putting the string down, Parker looked up confusingly at the silence that followed. "Wait, who called me a whore?"

"Nobody was talking to you." Mal waved his hand dismissingly.

"Huh?"

Simon squashed an invisible bug with his shoe. He was standing right behind Mal, and thought Parker was looking at him.

Kaylee leaned over to smell the doctor's hair, her face looking like that of an orgasm when she found his shampoo smelled like strawberries.

"Well." Wash broke the silence. "Time to go get the others, I suppose." As he got up, a pole hurtled at his chest. Being Wash, he ALMOST dodged it, but it still grazed him. "Woops. That was a closey. Hate it when that happens." He wiped his brow. Nobody questioned that.

* * *

"What the HELL is going on here?" Mal walked in the room filled with the prisoners along with Wash. What he heard, shockingly, was a bunch of disgusting noises.

Jayne's head shot up when Mal screamed, and he mumbled irritably about being waken up like that. The others, too, stopped immediately at the captain's voice. All except Sophie.

Mal walked around, his heavy boots shaking the floor. "What was going on in here? And who the HELL is making that disgusting wet noise?"

Sophie stopped.

"Well, uh, we were making music." Hardison stammered, not realizing he wasn't obligated to speak. "I think." As Mal glared at him, Hardison raised his handcuffed hands. "Don't look at me. You scare me. And PLEASE don't bring that lady that I chased in here. She scares me also."

Parker stomped in, a cup of water in hand. She poured it all over Jayne. "You're hot. I had to cool you."

Mal facepalmed. "Wow." Everybody else ignored that comment.

Nate rolled over, suddenly waking up. "Why does my head feel sticky?" Sophie quickly rolled away from him and his hair.

Eliot grunted as his wrists sliced from the handcuffs. He was slowly easing his hands out. He almost had it when Hardison said curiously, "Ooh, Eliot. What are you doing?"

Mal walked around and pressed his boot against Eliot's tender neck. "Lady man, I do not appreciate your feeble attempt to escape and outwit the great Malcolm Reynolds."

Eliot's eyes shifted up so he could stare at the captain. "Lady man? Don't you mean lady's man?"

"No. I assumed you were a lady when I first saw you because of your hair. But you're a man, so you have to be a lady man."

Hardison laughed. "Mayne, words cannot describe how offensive that is."

Eliot growled. "Hardison, you don't HAVE hair. Shut the fuck up."

Hardison stopped, but as he moved, he felt another body press against him. "What the fuck?"

He turned and was instantly staring into the eyes of basket case. She was gently stroking his, um...

"AHHHHH!" Hardion screeched, practically jumping in the air. River sat up, smiling.

"I shall sing to you." She whispered. "La de da le da do deep la da."

Nate pushed his way up, which was hard with his hands behind his back. "Look." He said, looking Mal straight in the eyes. "I honestly don't like this anymore than you do. But my crew and I need your help. Badly."

Mal looked thoughtful. He breathed in, and he breathed out. Again, he breathed in, and then out. Breath in, breath out. The room stunk of Mal's last meal. Finally, a breath in, and-

"We'll help you."


End file.
